Trying So Hard We Forget To Live

No matter how incoherent I am, I can skip one more hour of sleep and live – Sylvia Plath.

I swear all of my best ideas come to me when I am in the shower, where there is no pen or paper available and then I run around naked with this thought grasped in my head so I can write it down. This is what just happened to me as I stepped out of the shower from my daily spiral of thoughts.

I was thinking about a personal project I am working on as well as the Instagram post that I may or may not post tomorrow, not to mention the one I need to post tonight – not that I know what it’s going to be yet. I don’t want to post an outfit repeat because I am pretty sure that people (not to mention myself) will get sick of that soon, but I don’t know if I’ll have time to shoot a new outfit in between my social calls today, yes, I am actually having face to face contact with people today. I did yesterday, too, but before that I was a social hermit for nearly a week. On top of all that, I was thinking about how much money I had spent to keep this domain for another three years – I don’t want to talk about it because it came out of my savings and makes me feel a little sick if I think about it for longer than ten seconds – and I haven’t even been uploading as regularly as I want to. All those thoughts are now being word vomited onto the blog in a long ramble of an introduction. Thank you if you are still here at this point.

That stream of thought turned into a bit of a step back. Hold on. What about this life you are supposed to be living? I must have spoken about this before, I know that other bloggers have discussed it, too. Lately, I have been so consumed with passion for my blog and Instagram and this project that it is all I think about. It is great to have a ridiculous amount of passion for something, so much that nothing else gets in the way of it. However, at the same time, I don’t want to be constantly thinking about shoot locations or word counts or social media followers every second of the day. It will blow my brain to smithereens. I haven’t even thought about going on a big long haul, round-the-world trip next year. It’s as if it has been shoved to the back of my mind because a part of me isn’t sure that is what I want to do any more and I think that is because I am so invested in what I am doing right now that I can’t think that far ahead. That is a strange concept to me; usually I have planned my next twelve months down to the flights and locations. It’s great to not have something stuck in stone; I love having that sense of freedom. At the same time, it’s as though I am chained to working super hard in everything I do at the moment.

I want to have a life as well. Last Wednesday was a completely spontaneous night where one cocktail turned into three and then I ended up downing jagerbombs until 2.30am in Gay Town in Liverpool. It was better because it was spontaneous. I had such an amazing night, dancing away. Literally living my best life and reminding myself that I am only in my twenties and this is supposed to be what I am doing. Maybe it’s not for everyone, but I like to go out and have a boogie until all hours. I always have. Don’t get me wrong, I love to watch hours and hours of Netflix too, but that is also part of living, rather than focusing my energy on getting every box ticked right this very second. Does anyone resonate with this? I know I’m not the only one.

This year I am vowing – and I have to follow through because it’s on the internet – that I will spend more time living my life. I want to spend time with my friends and family, making unforgettable memories, going on trips abroad to places I’ve never been and generally having the best time ever. Don’t get me wrong, I will still be hustling away, but I don’t want it to consume me to the point that it is the only thing I think about.

What do you think? Does that sound like something you need to do as well?

Love, Faye xo

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