My body is a part of who I am, but it isn’t everything – Molly Ho.
Since I moved down to The Cotswolds, I have had plenty of life changes. I’ve moved from city to country. I’ve began to rely on my car more than ever before. I have gone from standing up for the majority of my day in work to sitting down for the entirety of it. I no longer do mini walks to the bus stop, from there to work or home, and I’m generally not as active as I once was. Plus, I went through a phase of eating more delicious, mouth-watering foods that didn’t help my mood, my energy levels, and, of course, my weight. It is no wonder that my body has slowly transformed into something that I no longer appreciate as my own. There was a point a few months ago where I hated my body. None of my jeans fit properly, or even my leggings, and I felt uncomfortable in a lot of my clothes. My body confidence has plummeted, certainly a lot since I wrote this blog post over two years ago. I guess back then, I had so much confidence in myself – bumps and all, because I was nowhere near perfect – that I felt good about myself, about the skin that I was in. I didn’t care that I wasn’t perfect because I was happy with how I looked and, more importantly, how I felt inside.
I think a big problem for me is that if I don’t kick myself into shape now and get to what I deem to be a healthy figure for myself in my eyes, then it will be harder to maintain a healthy weight in the future. My dad always says “It’s just baby fat” which he has been telling me since I was fourteen. As much as I love him for trying to make me feel better, I am twenty-seven and fully aware that it is no longer baby fat. It hasn’t been baby fat since I was eighteen or nineteen, but back then I still wanted to believe him and so I did.
I don’t want my late twenties to be plagued with my fears of never being able to have a body that I want for myself again. I don’t want it to become something that I’m obsessed with, because I’m actually not obsessed with my weight; I just don’t feel comfortable in myself right now which is something that I am actively trying to change. It has taken a long while for me to get in a better mindset for it; if you don’t have the mindset, there is no chance for a positive transformation. Since my weight gain fluctuated to a bigger size, I haven’t had the time or the energy to be doing something about it. In other words, it wasn’t a priority. Nevertheless, right now, it is slowly becoming one. On my drives home from work recently, I’ve felt almost pumped to exercise once I got in, itching to get the skipping rope out, put my gym clothes on and start to sweat. I truly miss the feeling I had when I used to go to my local gym. I’d spend at least an hour and a half there each time because I loved the feeling the endorphins created in my mind and my body, and I noticed a difference. And now, all that work in making my body that tiny bit leaner, that tiny bit faster and that tiny more endurable has been a waste. I want to get back to that inner strength I had because I think that is where the confidence came from.
So, I’ve finally decided to make a change. It is very early beginnings and one that I will not be documenting on this blog – every time I say I will, I forget, don’t know what to say and ultimately the exercise and fitness craze fade out. Posting the journey online and failing would make it even more real and disappointing. Nevertheless, I am documenting it on Instagram stories, more for my own benefit than anybody else’s. I am challenging myself do doing 100 Sweaty Sweats between now and January 1st. It is an incentive to keep active when all you want to do is cuddle up under a duvet and blanket, especially as the darker nights are well and truly here. The Instagram if you want to challenge yourself too is @100sweatysweats_.
I will have my off days. Today it was a colleague’s birthday so there was chocolate cake (amazing, btw) and I also consumed a packet of crisps, cookie and can of coke. This evening, however, I’ve stuck to my tea of incredible sausage and pasta with vegetables and a little bit of wine – red in the dish and white in my glass. I haven’t felt the need to gorge my face with goodies and snacks because of the mindset I’ve had since my return home from work. I want to make the change and it has finally started.
Losing body confidence can happen to anybody no matter their weight, their size, how stunning they are or how confident they seem. It is a shame that we all worry about our figures, wanting to be the best we can be, look our most fabulous whilst also comparing ourselves to those who we deem more attractive than ourselves. I’m hoping to begin a journey that will end in almost 100% confidence and I hope you join too if you can see yourselves in the words I have written.
What do you say?
Love, Faye xo